I love Lists

With only 20 days left to endure, 2010 has been, mostly certainly, the roughest year of my life... so far. The year is close to over, & some of the few things that I can really enjoy about the month of December are Best Of lists, Critics' Awards & Year End Wrap-Ups.

In the notebook that I carry in my handsome & masculine manpurse, I have been making note of things that I have never done, that most people in the USA have done, or that others would find surprising that I had never experienced. Example: At close to 60 years old, I have never been to a funeral. Really.

At brunch last week (the husband made Sourdough French Toast with maple basted, baked pears) I introduced the question: What is something that you have never done or experienced, that most people in our country have? My circles' answers were surprising & telling. Can you name something? I am proud to add that list; I have not seen Avatar, but I am looking forward to the Justin Bieber 3-D movie about his life. Can you say the same?

My person of the year is Steven Slater, the gay flight attendent for Jet Blue, who, after landing at JFK, & after a fight with a passanger, announced on the PA system: "To the passenger who called me a motherfucker, fuck you. I've been in this business 28 years. & that's it. I'm done." He then grabbed 2 beers & then slid down the plane's emergency chute. He is a hero to me.

My favorite new word of the 2010: "refudiate". Thank you, Sarah Palin. You never disappoint.

Terrifying Search Terms

Sometimes the details dished out and presumed necessary to our lives can be far, far too much. For example, despite the media's insistence that I find this out, I never needed to know that Prince Charles murmured to Camilla that he wished to be her tampon. I have no idea what possessed my grandmother furnish me with a detailed description of the premature rupture of her hymen. I never needed to see Tara Reid's botched breast and stomach surgery. Or to hear that John Mayer waxes his pubic hair into the shape of a lightning rod, Lindsay Lohan is a "fire crotch", or that Lady Gaga thinks her creativity can be stolen through her vagina. I could have happily lived my life without any of this information.

But the very apex of my list of things I didn't need to know were some of the search terms that lead the net-surfing public to my humble little blog. With occasional blog titles such as Jew Skin Lampshade, In case you ever wondered what humans taste like and An Historical Compendium of Dick Jokes, some may argue that I brought this upon myself, but the fact remains that I was much, much happier before I logged on to Google Analytics.

The first few entries are misleadingly vanilla. For example, Jim and the Indians comes in with a healthy 121 searches this year. Variations of What not to name your kids and Vengeance is Mine Inc. total up to several hundred each. And then it starts getting more abstract.

Bitches

People must love us bitches cause over 300 individual search terms featured the word. Most were prosaically along the lines of bitch girl names, clever bitches or hot bitches take it up the (name your orifice) but some solo-handed surfers out there managed to go one better.

My favorite, terrifying search terms including the word bitch were fortunately limited to one search each, and include;

- Can you name your kid 'bitch'?

My response: "no".

- LBJ was a jew bitch

I wanted to put this in the next section but the "bitch" part seemed rather more operative than the "Jew" part.

- Zeus was a bitch

Totally agreed.

AND THE WINNER:

- 5pm is bitch raping time

Actually, this came up four times. I'm terrified.

Porn

Most readers will not be surprised to hear that this simple concept was elaborated in nearly 500 different search terms, most also including the words bitch, secret or nasty. And then there were some other somewhat inexplicable keywords, including:

- clever porn

This came up almost 50 times. Can someone please explain what makes porn clever?

- vengeance is mine porn

Did Roald Dahl sign off on this script?

AND THE WINNER:

- Admit it bitch, you were porn

I have no idea what this is meant to mean.

Tattoos and Jews

It seems that, despite my mother's horrified reaction to the idea, there are many sick individuals out there who have also toyed with the idea of preserving their tattoos after death, as I discussed in my first-ever post Jew Skin Lampshade. Over 50 searches were based on variations of "preserve tattoo after death", but the true horror only becomes evident when you scroll down and discover that variations of Jewskin, and Jewskin lampshade were searched OVER 100 TIMES. In addition, some charming individuals searched terms including:

- Where can I buy Jew skin?

I wouldn't have guessed you could, except...

- Jew skin for sale

Now I'm officially horrified.

AND THE WINNER:

- How to skin a Jew

Honestly - is there somewhere you can report this sort of thing?

Historical sex

On a lighter note, some people just can't get enough of Zeus' sexual shenanigans. The exact term Zeus rape appeared 17 times, but variations on the phrase pushed searches into the hundreds. Some stunners on the topic included:

- Did Zeus rape Danae?

- Did Zeus rape Europa?

- Did Zeus rape his mother?

Yes, yes, and - sadly, yes.

- Ron Jeremy as Zeus?

I can't scrub my brain clean enough, I tell you.

AND THE WINNER:

- Beatrice's tits in Dante's inferno

Searched twice to lead to this blog, despite no references anywhere here to Beatrice's tits.

The taste of humans

Sounds like the grand taboo is no longer that taboo. 12 searches were run using humans taste like pork? as keywords, an equal number for pork taste like human, and dozens more referenced cannibalism, pork, crackling, firemen, William Seabrook and "long pigs".

AND THE WINNER:

- Rump girl meat cannibal

This was searched up to A DOZEN times - by someone sick, no doubt.

Tony Abbott

Dozens of people came across this site whilst searching for Tony at election time, mostly with keywords including misogynist, abortion, adoption, shocking and hypocrite. Yet it seems that Tony is never without his fans, and thus;

THE WINNER:

- Tony Abbott sexiest ioning board (sic)

As I previously pointed out, his abs would look great at Mardi Gras.

And then...

There are those keywords that defy any decent categorisation - or even an explanation of how they lead to this site, such as:

- Clever masturbation

Is there a "smart" or "dumb" way to rub your dick until jizz comes out, dude?

- receding hairline beer belly sexy

And then finally...

THE WINNER:

- live donkey show

Somewhere on this blog I must have mentioned one, or this search term wouldn't have lead you here. I'm sorry... really.

An Historical Compendium of Dick Jokes

Clever Bitch is up to her elbows in her Masters thesis, so it seems like time for something light. It's hard to get lighter than dick jokes, so here is a collection of stunners from the last couple thousand years.

Yes, they really do go back that far.



Martial (circa 38 - 104 AD)



When you hear clapping in the baths,



You know some moron with a giant dick has arrived.



Juvenal (circa 100 AD)



When you've run out of luck, it doesn't matter how long your dick is.



Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519)



This little treasure was found scrawled in the margins of one of da Vinci's notebooks:



A woman was washing her clothes, and her feet were very red with cold. A priest who was passing by asked her in amazement, whence came the redness and the woman replied at once that it was the result of the fire she had burning below. Then the priest seized that part on his being that was responsible for his being a priest and not a nun, and drawing close to her, with a sweet and soft voice, begged her to be so kind as to light his candle for him.



William Shakespeare (Twelfth Night, 1601-1602)



Fool: Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage. (Hahah, geddit?)



William Shakespeare (Anthony and Cleopatra, circa 1603-1607)



Iras: Am I not an inch of fortune better than she?



Charmian: Well, if you were but an inch of fortune better than I, where would you choose it?



Iras: Not in my husband's nose.



(Translation: in his fucking pants.)



Mae West (1936)



To a Los Angeles police officer who was to escort her:



Is that a pistol in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?



"Alexander DeLarge" (A Clockwork Orange, 1971)



To an attractive girl, sucking on a popsicle:



Bit cold and pointless isn't it, my lovely?



Robin Williams (1951 - present)



When in doubt, go for the dick joke.



Amen, brother.



Please add your own!

5 Awesome Fails by Kill Bill characters

5. Johnny Mo and The Crazy 88

It would seem that Johnny Mo was holding down that security thing pretty well down when The Bride showed up to demonstrate some human topiary techniques. You'd have to, right? I mean, after all, you're protecting the head of the Yakuza here. So let's run through a brief list of strategic assets, shall we?

Army of highly mobile, motorcycle-riding henchmen armed with razor-sharp katanas? Check.

A personal entourage for the Boss, comprising a few top assassins and a personal bodyguard - all armed with razor-sharp katanas? Check.

The Boss herself armed to the teeth with a razor-sharp katana? Check and Check.

Even ONE individual who carries, say, a gun? Or any other kind of weapon which can be used on a person who isn't close enough to hack you to death with a razor sharp katana?

Oh.

Incidentally, Wikipedia states that the eventual casualties that The Bride inflicts upon the Crazy 88 stand at "67 killed, 12 maimed, 1 killed by an axe thrown by somebody else, 1 possible killed, and 1 spanked". Seems like a bit of forward-thinking and a well-placed bullet could have ended this battle before it started.

4. Gogo Yubari

The item that the fetching Miss Yubari is holding in her hand is an ancient Chinese weapon known as a Meteor Hammer (which I guess is slightly more subtle than the more obvious Fuck-Christ-Please-Don't-Hurt-Me-Ball), which she uses to beat the living crap out of The Bride at the House of Blue Leaves. She does such a good job of it that she almost actually beats The Bride, landing two hefty shots straight to the chest before good Ol' Beatrix knows what hit her.

So why the epic fail? Perhaps something to do with the freaking retractable blades that she doesn't bother to activate on the Meteor Ball until after she has landed what could have been not one but two perfectly lethal blows. Seriously, watch this scene again. Gogo could have annihilated The Bride before a single drop of Deadly Viper blood was spilled - but it totally looked like more fun to mess around with that skilled assassin for a while before getting too serious with her ass. Her decision to give The Bride a couple of practice swings to get used to avoiding the Meteor Hammer seems just depressingly... adolescent, coming from a chick who disembowels losers in bars to have a good time.

3. Budd

Oh, Budd - you were so close. The only character in the franchise, actually, who overcame The Bride single-handed. You even had her tied up in a goddamned coffin - and yet you still managed to balls it up. Too polite to mace the lady before you stick her in the coffin, too cheap to buy a coffin made of anything sturdier than plywood, too thick to search The Bride for any weapons or lighters before burying her alive, Budd really ticks all the boxes in terms of stupidity when dealing with the world's most deadly female assassin.

The only thing that mitigates this epic fail is that even if Budd had succeeded to kill The Bride, he still would have died courtesy of several Black Mamba bites to the face.

2. Elle Driver

Elle might have a better shot of survival if that syringe contained, shall we say, a dose of Black Mamba anti-venom. Fans will remember that she employed this fanged beastie as a means to dispatch Budd, using a slightly more sophisticated version of the "snake-in-a-can" trick, known as the "snake-in-a-case-full-of-money" trick. But with a real snake.

Steve Irwin could have told this woman that there's no use in getting cosy with serpents unless you carry some anti-venom for insurance. You know, in case it all goes wrong and you end up blinded in a trailer containing a pissed-off Black Mamba, in the middle of the fucking desert. Or, for the sake of argument, impaled on a sting-ray.

1. The Police

First, please note the organised police response to crisis depicted in the above photograph. Now, please note the complete lack of any images like this in either of the Kill Bill films. Sure - we do get this guy:

Who looks about as helpful as if he's drowning in a barrel of titties. But that's still a whole lot better than the police response in Tokyo. Careful examination (read: drunken re-watching) of Kill Bill Volume I yields no evidence whatsoever of a police response to the massacre at the House of Blue Leaves. Sure, you say, they probably didn't show up cause they were too afraid of all those Yakuzas running around, right?

Well, not really. All those Yakuzas were dead, or crawling away dragging their bloodied stumps in a way that doesn't exactly scream subtlety. And yet, as the carnage rages on and terrified bystanders flee the premises, The Bride manages to not only kill the entire Crazy 88 and their mistress, but actually has time to cool her heels and reflect on what she's done.

In short, the police say that the Tokyo crime syndicate problem can go fuck itself.

5 Ways That Zeus Raped His Way To Glory

History is filthy. And when I say filthy, I don't mean bootleg porno filthy. I'm talking full-scale filthy - somewhere between a live donkey show and a snuff film. In tribute to the sexual sins of our fathers and erstwhile gods, here are the five most innovative ways that Zeus ever used a fantastic disguise for the purposes of stranger rape.

5. The chick.

The victim: Callisto.

The ruse: The virginal Callisto was a follower of the goddess Artemis, so it was a simple enough matter for Zeus disguise himself as Artemis in order to lure Callisto into the woods and rape her.

The progeny: Arcas, king of Arcadia.

Oh, and... When Artemis found out that her supposedly virgin follower was pregnant, she turned Callisto into a bear and set her loose in the forest, where she gave birth (as a fucking BEAR) to Arcas. In the conventional wisdom of the Gods of the day, Zeus hid baby Arcas away and never bothered to tell him who his mother was. Again, typical of these motherfucking stories, Arcas goes hunting one day and actually shoots his bear-mother dead.

4. The long-lost husband.

The victim: Alcmene.

The ruse: At first, Zeus actually had the balls to approach the married Alcmene in person - and she actually had the balls to refuse him - but that's ok, cause Zeus had a Plan B. Alcmene's husband (and cousin) was away at war, and all Zeus had to do was to stage a passionate reunion, starring himself as Ron Jeremy's stand-in.

The progeny: Heracles (Hercules) - the greatest condom-full-of-walnuts in history.

Oh, and... We forgot to mention that Zeus just pulled out his time-turner and turned the night he was with Alcmene into three entire days. If Alcmene thought the Gods couldn't screw her any more than that, then check this out:

- Her husband swore against ever having sex with her again, out of respect to Zeus, who is clearly the Most Persuasive Rapist Of All Time.

- Zeus' wife Hera was so jealous that she sent a bitch goddess to intervene and stop Heracles from being born. Alcmene was in labour for seven entire days before finally tricking the Gods into leaving her the fuck alone.

Again, it just sucks to be a woman in Ancient Greece.

3. The bull (or was it an eagle)?

The victim: Europa

The ruse: There are two equally screwed up version of this story. According to Robert Graves, Zeus became enamoured of Europa, "became an eagle and ravished (her) in a willow-thicket". Or, if you prefer Ovid's version, Zeus rocked up as a white bull, which she trusted enough to "mount its back" - and get carried off and raped. Perhaps the most frightening inherent aspect of these accounts is how any historical sources could have possibly confused an eagle with a fucking bull.

The progeny: Minos, Rhadamanthys and Sarpedon, who all went on to become Kings.

Oh, and... Zeus named Europe after Europa in the world's most pathetic attempt at making up for getting raped by a bull.

2. The Swan.

The victim: Leda

The ruse: An oldie but a goodie - why not just try showing up and having sex with a defenceless woman at a waterhole - dressed as a giant swan? Good idea? Great idea.

The progeny: Helen - who later became Helen of Troy. Also the twins Castor and Polydeuces, who later became the sign Gemini.

Oh, and... Did we mention that the children hatched out of eggs?

1. The golden shower.

The victim: Danae.

The ruse: Danae's father Ascrisius lacked an heir, and loved consulting random hacks dressed up as Oracles. Naturally, one of them handed him the type of beautifully self-fulfilling prophecy that we've come to expect from Ancient Greece- namely, that his daughter would give birth to a son who would grow up to slaughter him. The most obvious available solution was to shut the virgin Danae in a tall tower only accessible from a trapdoor in the ceiling.

Zeus, being the classy fella that he is, decided he was tired of appearing as a giant bird and went to Plan B - which happened to be falling as a "shower of golden rain". Which, we assume, is just a euphemism for "pissed all over her".

The progeny: Perseus, who tamed Pegasus, defeated the Gorgon, saved a princess and managed to look hot in a tunic in modern film adaptations.

Oh, and... Proving that effective parenting comes naturally, Ascrisius cast Danae and the newborn Perseus into the sea in a sealed casket. Unfortunately for Ascrisius, they washed up onto another island, where Perseus was raised in blissful ignorance of his connection to his homeland. Sure enough, he returned as an adult to kill his asshole grandfather - proving yet again that consulting an Oracle is a fucking stupid thing to do.

Countdown: Top 10 Filthy Song Titles

There's been too much seriousness recently. For your pleasure, CB has compiled her choice of the most outrageously filthy and disgusting song titles of all time. I'd like to note for the record that I excluded everything by Cannibal Corpse - there were too many to make any meaningful shortlist, and whilst filthy, they were low on the originality factor.

Enjoy!

10- The Love You Take Equals The Love You Make So Baby Let Me Bang Your Box by TISM
The cultural cringe - writ large. Three cheers for TISM.

9- See Her Pee by NOFX
This is actually almost cute. He falls in love with a girl, adores her, thinks about her all the time... and just really, really wants to see her pee.

8-Please Stop Fucking My Mom by NOFX
This is comparatively self-explanatory.

7- The Art of Sucking Dick by N.W.A (Niggaz With Attitude)
These guys apparently do consider this in all seriousness to be an instruction manual.

6- Dick Sandwich by Frenzal Rhomb
This is actually the title of an EP, not a song, but I couldn't resist.

5- Shoved Up Your Pisshole by Blood Duster
Shoved what exactly...?

4- Bishop = Handjob by TISM
There are a few good reasons that all members of TISM choose to remain anonymous...

3- Fisting the Dead by Blood Duster
The funny thing is, I found one or two song titles by these guys that were actually worse than this. This is just the worst one I was willing to reproduce.

2 - Defecate on my face by TISM
This song, as far as I'm aware, broke two records. It's the only rock song in history to feature coprophilia as principal subject matter - and it's the only rock song in history that's written in the first person point of view of Adolf Hitler.

1 - The Pope's Cock Makes Baby Jesus Cry by C*ntbutcher.
My asterisk. No comment.

Got any others?
CB would like to thank Clever Friend for his help with the Top 10.

What Not To Name Your Kids

I'm getting to that age where my friends are beginning to breed en masse. Fortunately, I like children. I'm happy to babysit, change nappies, visit hospitals with armfuls of flowers, and to smile and nod at the interminable explanations of feeding patterns, sleepless nights and developmental milestones. In fact, the only thing that makes me want to scream and tear my hair out is what my friends are naming their children.

Ridiculous child-naming practices are de rigueur nowadays, apparently in every social sphere from billionaire celebrities to dole-queuing teenage mothers.
Below, I've attempted to list some of the most egregious trends in child nomenclature.

1- The Boy's Name For Girls
Step 1: Find a boy's name that you like, such as James, William, or Charles.
Step 2: Give birth to a girl instead.
Step 3: Call her Jamie, Billie or Charlie and congratulate yourself upon your individuality.

2 - The Surname
Hands up who has recently met a child named "Mackenzie"? What about "Taylor"? If I had ten hands, they would all be up. In celebrity-land, Brooke Shields and Nicole Ritchie have jumped on this bandwagon as well, naming their daughters (respectively) Grier and Harlow.

3- The Name You Spell Yourself
Tay-lah, Tayla, Tailagh, Taylhar... oh, excuse me but I think your bourgeois pretensions might be showing...

4 - The Mis-spelled Foreign Name
A girl I know named her daughter "Channelle". Yes, that's right. Like Chanel, but with some extra letters thrown in so that the child can feel individual despite her obvious namesake. (In fact - this one breaks the surname rule as well - but I guess it's preferable to calling a child Coco. Are you reading this, Courtney Cox and David Arquette?). Another friend of mine, apparently shying away from all the boring normality implied by Chantelle introduced me to her daughter Shontel. I weep for the future.

5 - The Name You Invent Yourself
Mnemonics are bad enough (think "Taome" - The Apple Of My Eye), but the worst of the worst must be the laughable attempt of those bastions of elegance and understatement, Peter Andre and Katie Price (AKA Jordan) to create a name for their daughter. Princess Tiaamii, the poor brat's name, is a merging of the names of Andre's mother (Thea) and Price's mother (Amy), with "Princess" whacked in front for good measure. In the words of Price herself; "we added some extra letters to make it unique, and some accents to make it look interesting". A class act all the way.
Apologies - My computer does not seem to have the functional capacity to include the various accents over vowels in Tiaamii.

6 - The Common Noun
Apart from the names of flowers and jewels, common nouns as names are, thank goodness, largely restricted to celebrities (who could forget baby Apple Martin?). However, we will know that common nouns-as-names have crossed over to the common domain when we eventually meet a child named Wingnut or Ashtray.

7 - The Celebrity Tribute Name
Apart from the aforementioned Harlow, dishonourable mentions go to Geri Halliwell for naming her daughter Bluebell Madonna (extra demerit points for Bluebell), and to the US couple who couldn't get a birthday cake inscribed to their son Adolf Hitler Campbell.

8 - The Celebrity-Offspring Tribute Name
Until Lleyton and Bec Hewitt named their daughter Mia, it wasn't a name you heard very often. Now it's in the top 5 most popular baby names in Australia, and overused to the point of sticking in your throat. Ditto Bindi (Irwin). Ditto Matilda (Ledger). But not, strangely enough, Sunday Rose...

9 - The Reminiscent-of-Conception Name
Whenever my friend Airlie tells someone her name, it's as likely as not that they will make the same joke I did; "What, were you conceived at Airlie Beach?". The answer is yes. The New Zealand registry of Births revealed that in recent years, it has barred parents from naming their newborns such epithets as "Midnight Chardonnay" and "Number 16 Bus Shelter". Please. We don't need to know the details of the conception. The baby's enough proof that you had sex. Ok?

10 - The Joke Name
Those New Zealanders are at it again! A few months ago, a judge allowed 13-year old Tallulah Does The Hula From Hawaii (last name suppressed) to change her given name, ruling that her parents were irresponsible to give it to her in the first place. In France, a court refused to allow Mr and Mrs DeFrance to name their daughter Marie-Antoinette Reine, which would have rendered her (in English) "Marie Antoinette, Queen of France".
I've been assured that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz's baby, Bronx Mowgli, is not a joke. However, I remain to be convinced.

Anything to add to the list? Anything you would remove?
What's the worst name you've heard someone give a child?