Tell Us About Your Pain

Not much has been happening in my world...  well, there is the part where I ended up in the ER on Sunday night, after several hours of intense pain at my sternum, & throwing up blood. After an ultrasound, endoscope & 36 hours of morphine... I gave birth to a little gallstone. I am so proud. I named it- Jonbenet.

After being admitted & brought into a small examining room, a nurse asked me:
"What do you want out of this visit?"
Me: "What do you mean?  Peace & prosperity for our world? Fame & success? Lunch?
Nurse (chortling): "Where would like to be at the end of this visit?"
Me: "Of course, sorry. I guess, I want my own sitcom, & when not filming, starring on Broadway in a musical or some classic...  how about being snowed at a mountian cabin with James Franco... Oh, do I get one more wish?"
The nurse wrote my final comments on a blackboard &the Husband took over the answering of questions.

I had a procedure called an Endoscopy. The technician called it a UGI, which I misunderstood to mean some sort of high school equivalency test, or possibly a labor union. The Morphine had me a bit beclouded & befuddled. The physician explained that I would be conscious for the event, but the drugs he gave me would cause a form of amnesia: "sort of like really strong Valuim". I believe that I ordered a shot of vodka; I didn't remember a single thing when I did come to. I am in favor of a drug the can erase the memory from a section of your life.

While tethered to the Morphine IV drip, all I had to do was ride out the diminishing pain, watch the ceiling tiles move around & study the signs on my hospital room walls. These were my favorite signs:

Pain Management Is A Patients Right (possible idea for sign at the next Tea Party Rally?)

Tell Us About Your Pain (do they really want my life story?)

The 4 "P"s: Pain, Privacy, Position, Potty (possible chapter title for my memoirs?)

Do Not Leave Alone On Toilet (possible Words To Live By?)

I received excellent care, although I was spooked that all the nurses were named Staci. I also had a visit from the chaplain who asked "If anything should happen, do you wish me to summon a priest?"  Me: No priest, but please do call the press!"

I had my own room, I got to have vegetable broth while watching The View, I had professionals fussing over me. I decided to pretend that I was at a spa. "Oh, Nurse Staci, would you please get me one of those amnesia inducing drugs & a shot of vodka before my colonic & pedicure?"



I am now resting at home, warm, cozy & loved by my little family.The Husband claims that the entire episode was my cry for attention.