Will any of that change? That...I do not know...that is what I'm afraid of. If all that disappears...then what? I can't "fake" a friendship with someone I've known for so long. I had another friend tell me she had a friend named Jessica, Jessica is now Rick (or Tim) I forget, well that person, the new person..the male person...is so different now. His voice has changed, his demeanor has changed...she has changed. There isn't any part of Jessica in Rick (or Tim). They are not close friends now, they are acquaintances. I have been through so much with my best friend...so...so..much, I don't want to be his acquaintance, I want my best friend. I know that is selfish, and she will be quick to point out IT'S NOT ABOUT ME! lol So I know now that she is thinking I don't accept her lifestyle change, that's not it. I have my own opinions on transgendered people and I keep those to myself. They are not bad opinions...just ignorant ones I guess, because I don't get it. My point is, do what you need to do to feel whole, to be happy and to be the person you know you can be. Another thing that confuses me is she only wants the top surgery, not the bottom surgery...but she wants to take T (testosterone). So...and this may sound stupid..but is she then female or male? Does it matter? Should I care? In this day and age you have to be so PC, I just don't even know how to express these questions. I have asked her some things, but maybe not all that I should. As I write this I get a bit choked up, I get a bit scared and I get a bit sad. She has been such a part of my life for so long, her mom...I call momma #2 and have spent many a holiday with them. I've met her family, I've went to family functions with her and them. I know them, they are a part of me, she is a part of me. What if she does change? what if my best friend, my Ange is no longer Ange...but only Chase, a Chase I don't even know? Ok we have our problems like most best friends do, we talk about "divorce" all the time and who ever talks about it the other one will be like "oh uh uh, we together fooooorreeevverr!" lol and we always have been...and I knew we always would be, until all this. whew! It's been about 20 mins since I wrote my last sentence. I didn't realize how much this affected me...I tend to keep things in and not deal with them. I mean I can take whatever life throws at me, but the real things that affect me, I tend not to deal with, or accept. So I was typing and then I lost it, I just started bawling and I couldn't control it because I was so scared. I went and talked to my roomie who was a great comfort to me. I'm so afraid of losing my best friend but my roomie let me know I'll be ok and I have to ride it through. I just want to say goodbye to her now, that is how I deal with things...cut it before it hurts me, but I think I need to see this through until the end...whatever the results may be. I don't cry very often, but I do feel better now. I haven't been the most supportive friend, I tended to dismiss what she is going through, I tell myself I'm trying but maybe not trying hard enough. So I'm going to end this post now by stating I want to keep this friendship, I want to see where the next chapter in our lives takes us...I don't want to throw it away, which I may have been subconsciously doing lately. Wow, crying really makes you exhausted! Ok to be supportive and to acknowledge what my friend is going through, I'm going to post some transgen pics...Hey they are hot! ;-) peace.
p.s. sorry I had to go through all that in my blog, it was just something I had to deal with. Thanks for reading though. Much love.
Leonard
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