Kevin Federline: Lose Control

Kevin Federline: Lose Control Official Music Video

Ok, I'll be the first...I'm going to put Kevin Federline on my blog, I may be the first gay blog to do this, but I like the song. He can dance and I like the song. Deal with it.

Heroes...

...I love this show. As I mentioned before, I am into the whole super hero thing. Fantastic 4, X-Men, The Matrix, even Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. I love the fact that these characters have these "powers". Ok, so tonight we know a little bit more about Niki (Ali Larter), I still do not know what her super power is though, I mean to me it's like she just has a split personality! Sorry I don't do recaps, but it was a really good episode and next week........... THEIR SECRETS ARE OUT! I think Niki's son also has powers...I'm sorry I mean "talents"...because his father does, yes Niki's husband is back in the picture and it seems he can blend into things or go through them. As usual, the trailer for next week gave me chills. For the first time....there is a pic of a very attractive woman on this blog...please don't boycott me. I have a room to clean, laundry to do and it's already late...so this is it, I promise better tomorrow! ;-) peace

Ali Larter

Someone Else

Last few weeks have blown by like the wind. As I go over the events of the days, I remember snippets. The Da Capo day at Midlothian days, leading the choir in JLM at HRBC, repetitive stress disorder as a result of the customer experience meetings, business meeting upon business meeting... If I were to judge the last month by any objective standards, I have been a success. I have conditioned my environment and set up levers to approximate control but it is an illusion. Only reacting is not controlling. As I go through the days, I am like a machine... I make decisions, talk with friends and family and I say the right things to get the job done. I am numb, the passion that was once so prevalent in everything I did is harder to find now. I am older, more experienced, more "mature", farther away from God. I am more self sufficient, more respectable, more established. I am successful. I love my wife and children, and I love the new things we are doing with Da Capo.

All that said, I feel disconnected. For the first time in my naive world experience, I go to work only to earn the paycheck and so that I can prove my "worth" and get respect. The entire system is a charade when I am at work. I feel like Pagliacci as I wear my clown face and sing. The world makes me into someone else. I allow it and am powerless to stop it. Asking for help achieves nothing material, my friends don't fully understand. Or maybe they just aren't close enough friends that I can really share this sort of frustration. My feelings don't stem for doing more or less, they stem from my identity.

I began this entire blog with a treatise on identity and priorities, and now, so many months later.. I still write the same tired questioning words. I am weary and confused and I with I could be more sure of my direction.

The burden of being a leader is heavy when my self confidence is so shaken. My words speak of assurance as the holy spirit works through me to small groups and sunday school life groups. As correct as they are, I wonder what the real me would say. I am a vessel. I pray that I will continue to be used by God and that I will not stray to my own desires, passions and ego.

Writing is therapeutic for me, the stream of energy somehow dissipates after it has been released and put into the computer for others to have access to. Sharing access to my thinking is a strangely private and public event all wrapped into one. I hope that my thinking can help to inspire someone else, in some other time, on some other day.

My God is an awesome God. He exists outside of time, beyond my comprehension, and yet he cares for and loves me as one of his children, his son.

Lord, Jesus, Christ, Have mercy on me.

Today's Weather...

...has been windy!! And with wind, you need something to calm that wind...so...I bring you Joseph Sayers...some of these pics you may have seen, but...does it really matter?? (ok, there ARE some new ones) ;-) peace

The Internet...

...is evil! So I'm home, long day at work and I'm watching Ugly Betty (I'm so late on jumping on this bandwagon!) and I realize, I haven't ate much today. So I check the fridge and cupboards and nothing looks appealing, so I sit back in front of the TV...and I see a Papa Johns commercial...more importantly, I see "order online" in the Papa John's commercial. *sigh* Ok so my pizza is on it's way.
#1) There is no reason to be eating pizza after 7pm before bedtime!
#2) While I'm paying $23.00 for this pizza (and chicken wings) I could have driven my
lazy ass to Jack in the Box and got two tacos for .99 cents!
#3) I should not EVEN be eating pizza!
#4) You don't get six pack abs from ordering pizza online at 10pm. at night!!
just doesn't happen!

*sigh* I'm only eating one piece and two chicken wings!!!
;-)
peace

It's all about The Eyes...

...so purty!! So my boss is out of town this week, which is good because I can get more done...on the other hand...she generates work for me....it's Wednesday, slloowww! It's a good thing though, I can kind of go and meet other people in the company and find out who is who. Other than that, not much to report OK! I sooo thought there would be more to talk abou, moving back to CA , but no...nothing so far. To entertain myself, I've been checking out places in Denver. You know I can't stay in one place TO long! ;-) peace

Sandstorm...

...is the best techno song ever! Ok, I know it's old, been around for years...but I just can still just dance my ass of to it! Does anyone know how/if I can post songs to this blog? I have this great mix to Sandstorm that I want to share. Oh, ok NOT liking CA any better..but today, tonight, I went to the Sacramento gay and lesbian film festival and saw a film by Q. Allan Broka called Boy Culture, I liked it. I think I liked Eating Out better, but this was also a good film. ;-) peace
Some pics from Eating Out, which I saw at the Fresno Gay and Lesbian Film Festival...a few years ago.

The Truth Comes Out..

...I don't think I'm happy here. Ok, I know I'm not. Everything is different now, it's like I got away and recouped and centered myself and now that I'm back...I find why I had to do that in the first place. Family, friends, the stress and hustle and bustle...it's a lot. Don't get me wrong I'm glad to be out of South Dakota, but maybe I should have picked someplace else, like Denver, or Seattle or something. Since I've been back I've accumalated a lot of debt, I've had two panic attacks (ok! thought I was having a heart attack, but I used to have them in the early 90's so I knew what they were, I just used to be able to stop them before.) Not feeling as close to my family anymore, I mean I love them dearly, but they wear me out. As for friends, I love my friends but as time went on, we all spread out. So like, what the hell am I doing here? Ooohhh MONEY...yeah, I make very good money...yeah that's it...hmm...and by the time I pay everything off, I'll be just old enough to buy me a retirement share in Florida. Shit. Ok so I'm not depressed, but I am unhappy. People get those two confused, if you are depressed, I'm assuming it's hard to change that or make it better, you feel powerless. If you are unhappy...well, make yourself happy, change your environment, your job, your partner...your life. I would think that applies to depression also, but the friends I have who take meds for depression say it's not that easy. I have "moments" when I think I'm depressed, but honestly, sunshine flows outta my ass normally and I don't think I've been depressed since 1996 when the German bastard and I broke up and before that...high school...cliche~ I know. So my problem now is...what do I do? I promised my roomie six months of staying here so she can pay off her bills, don't know if that will happen but I promised. Although she is chomping at the bit to take off herself to Tracy, CA (OK!) no one moves to Tracy at will...out of necessity (like if you commute to the Bay Area) maybe but not like...I am SO moving to Tracy! ;-) Also, my job I have now, well the project ends in Feb. which is perfect timing because that will be my six months, so I'm trying to think of what I do after that? I really want to go to bartending school (don't laugh) but it could be good money and hello...it's a bar! On one hand, it's something I want to do, on the other hand I have people telling me I'm to smart to do that job and to finish my degree. Honestly, though? I really am not into working the 8-5 in an office anymore, or wearing slacks and button up shirts and all that. My favorite job was when I became a waiter, seriously. I quit a job as a Regulatory Analyst and became a waiter, oh my parents weren't thrilled but I was A LOT happier. It's like I can be successful in business, but would rather punch a time clock... OK!Ok I just scrolled up and realized this is the longest and most personal posting I've ever done.
I actually feel better now, I was on the way home from my parents place tonight (a two hour drive, after work, in rush hour traffic) and I really needed to vent and blow off some steam...but how? My friends are sick of me saying I think I made the wrong move so I couldn't talk to anybody about it, and then I thought of my blog. MY blog, it's mine I should be able to write what I want right? Oh yes, I love posting hot guys but at the same time I could also have a cathartic experience posting what I'm going through, so...I think I will. The blog, from here on, may be tweaked a bit but I think I need to do it for me, damnit it has to be about me! LOL ;-) So on that note, here are some cute guys...albeit sad guys...but kind of like me. ;-)peace





and of course, I couldn't upload all the pics I wanted to, stupid blogger! Oh...well it is Friday the 13th~!

The Covenant...

...was hot!! Ok the movie was ok, but the guys in the movie was well worth the ticket price. I love movies where people have powers, like I love X-men and Heroes etc. so this movie fulfilled that. The guys were gorgeous and the swimming pool scene?...oh...yeah...so buying the DVD. Enjoy these pics of the stars of The Covenant Steven Strait, Sebastian Stan,Taylor Kitsch and Chace Crawford. ;-) pe

Sebastian Stan


Toby Hemingway


Chace Crawford


Taylor Kitsch



Steven Strait

It's all about the Eyes

Life is getting better, still not saying I'm glad I moved back...but it's getting better ;-) peace

Happy Tuesday

Ok, so today I got my paystub and I'm making more money than I thought I was...so that's a great thing!! I'm adjusting, STILL not sure if this was the right move, but I'm here so I'll deal with it. So now, it seems my roommate wants to move (ooohh aaahh) yes, I committed to her for six months and now she wants to hightail it out of here! Ya know what? I'm soooo ok with that. She needs to see the world and experience what life has to offer. She's been in Sacramento for like 11 years and knows nothing else, she's been at her job since she was 19 (gasp!). I'm not worried, I may keep the place or move to Midtown...doesn't matter, I always make it work but Miss Mantoan, I think she needs to go...I think she, finally, needs to live...so no hatin here. Besides, if she wants... I can do the move with her, we all know I'm not above moving and trying something new! Ok it's to Tracy (yes I said Tracy) or Santa Clara (that's a LOT better). So who knows, I don't like life planned or prepared for me, it's kind of fun to see what's around the corner...sometimes ya like, and sometimes ya don't...so ya just go around the next corner! ;-) peace

Good enough?

I have struggled this week to define for myself what is "good enough". I draw the line where I draw the line, but one thing is for certain. My line is not in the same place as others. I tell the kids frequently: "if something is worth doing, then it is worth doing right" but the question then comes... What is "right".


Are there different expectations of an amateur versus a professional? Clearly, there are, but all of the traditional measures are grey in my mind recently. The world defines a "professional" in many ways but the most prevalent one is... making money for doing it. My problem, is that I don't equate value to the activity from the money that it generates. Perhaps, that is a result of experiencing and seeing so much excellence in my life that has gone unrewarded. My friends and colleagues in the musical world, in science, in academia, are brilliant contributors to their world, but they don't receive money for their contributions. More often they are treated as arrogant, pompous, bookheads... What they care about more than anything, indeed, what I care about more than just about anything else in the world is the respect of my peers, not "success" as defined by the world.

I am a walking contradiction. I say that I care only about what people think of me, yet, in reality I operate according to only my internal method and success "clock". I continue to do what I know works, or at least what has always worked in the past. My gut was right, I was lucky, blessed. I didn't earn that instinct, it was a gift. This doesn't match. I know musicians are exceptional, because of my gut. I trust or do not trust based on my gut. I establish the very reputation I seek only by succeeding in people's eyes and minds. My community assigns value based on performance, success, output; yet people are valuable for who they are not what they do.

Ouch...My head hurts from this type of thinking.


I have been taught that people are what matter from my experiences, my church, prayer, and the Bible. (from God) Even with all of that, clearly, it is not part of me at an instinctive/elemental level.

I am driven by results, by getting it done, but also by seeing others "get it done". What "IT" is doesn't really matter. They can always do it better. Maybe I am naive, arrogant, or just blessed/cursed. I think I can help them do it better. So far, I have a knack for finding the success equation. Can I encourage others to find it?

Passion, Discipline, and the Life application of those activities, centered around people.